To be a Seed
Are seeds alive?
The answer isn't easy.
Seeds are dormant - neither dead or alive - they exist in the uncomfortable in-between - a tangible paradox. Viable seeds contain everything they need to emerge and grow but until they are exposed to the specific conditions they need, they remain in a state of rest. They can endure the harshest conditions and sometimes even need them to break through their invulnerable outer shell and begin to grow.
The needs of seeds are as varied as our own and they know that times of dormancy are needed just as much as times of growth. The possibility that waits inside a seed is the same possibility that waits in us, lying dormant until our needs are met. Only then can we burst forth and grow into our true nature.
When I was tucked away tight as a seed, safe inside the walls of my buffered shell, my world was dark and small. My shell protected me from the brutal realities of being alive in this world.
The pain of rejection.
The fear of the unknown and uncertain.
The fear of what is known and certain.
The shame of not belonging, especially where you were planted.
Inside the shell it might be dark and small but it’s safe here where I don’t have to break down my invulnerable shell and push through the crust of the earth into the blinding, unforgiving light. I don’t have to risk being hurt by predators, diseases or drought. It might not be much but at least I’m here.
Here, not alive, not living. I was technically alive but the darkness was all consuming. . Living became too much of a threat. Sometimes, especially when our ability to change our conditions is limited, we need to find safety in our shell for a time. That’s ok. But we were never meant to stay in our shell, and we don’t have to, even if that’s what you’ve been told or shown or always every known.
We are here to live and grow, and what that growth looks like is as unique to each of us as it is to plants. Even when I was buried away in the darkness, scared and alone, possibility was there and the truth was I wasn’t alone. Like the water, soil and mycelium surrounding a seed, I had people in my life who never gave up on me even if they had no idea how to help. I had people rooting me on and helping me in ways I couldn’t feel or see.
Eventually, the pain of remaining in my shell knowing I would surely die if I did and the suffering that would create for my friends and family was more intolerable than my fear of breaking my shell down. In slow, small, but consistent ways I began changing my conditions in the ways that I could and over time and with support, I nurtured the courage, capacity, and energy to emerge from the darkness and begin growing towards the light.
